Something I can now share....

I feel I can share this now...almost 9 months later. I came across a journal entry (yes, I keep a random journal) and I felt it would be appropriate to blog. Not because I want to blog, but I feel it could help others. Well, here it goes....

1/22/10

In light of our most recent fight, I write down these thoughts....
Have we forgotten to bring God into our relationship? In a sense, banished him in this area, so he has given up on us or is it the devil making himself known?
What frustrates me is I know that Elias, Joslyn, and I could be three of his greatest warriors here on earth. I feel like the devil works on Elias constantly so he can't be. I don't feel like all of our problems are caused by Elias, I don't. I do feel however, disappointed that Elias allows the devil to prey on him so easily. Maybe that's why "respect" is so hard for me, because I know Elias is better than that. He is so strong. If he put an ounce of what he puts into work towards God, it would be GREAT!
Both of us are prideful, it's human nature. For the last 7 months I feel, I've really tried to put all I can towards God and fulfilling his purpose for me. I've quit and done things halfway most of my life. God and my relationship with Him will not be that way. I don't know how to continue on without Elias, he's my rock. The one I count on to protect and care for me. Is he jealous that I seem to lean on God more know? Why would someone be jealous of God?
Back to pride, I don't feel Elias has bowed to Him fully and that's why he has such a hard time. I get angry about it. I do. When I bring it up, Elias just gets mad.
I asked Elias to pray for us tonight before dinner. He said I could pray for myself. When I, again, pointed out that the man is supposed to be the spiritual leader, he mumbled, "maybe I don't want to be."
What do I do about that? I know to give it over to God. I know that. How long do I have to wait?! I know God's will will be done, but as the human I am, He must understand it is sooo frustrating.


As I look back on this entry, I realize how far Elias and I, along with Joslyn, have come. Not only as a family, but as friends. It's easier for me to speak to Elias about God, he still doesn't frequent church, but there is hope. Joslyn and I both attended Bible school this summer. She as a student, me as a teacher. It was great. My leaning on God has not lessened but Elias has come to terms, I don't feel as hopeless in my relationship with Elias anymore. It's something that takes time. I believe that by the time January of 2011 rolls back around, that more will have changed. I'm counting on it.

So my baby girl's first day of kindergarten was yesterday...how time flies. I've not blogged in months, because I was enjoying life and the summer:) What am I to do now?

I figure I'll try to go back to the gym since I work night shift. Sitting at a desk and eating isn't really productive weight loss technique. (Duh) That's #1 and #2 clean more, I suppose.

So we dropped Joslyn off at school yesterday, the only tears came from her. She did not want to go. The worries came from daddy. I guess I've been preparing myself for this, so I wasn't really emotional. I knew this day would come. But this morning I was not prepared for. I dropped her off in the line and the teacher took her out of the car. Then proceeded to put the backpack on her and pointed her in the direction of the school! I was appalled and scared for my little girl as she looked around and started walking. My precious little blonde baby, with her oversized backpack, look as lost as a lamb in a wolf den. She started walking towards the doors and with all her strength tried to open one. It was the wrong door, so she walked toward the other double doors. Finally someone helped her and she went in. All I could do was pray that she got to the right class. This is definitely not happening tomorrow. I don't care how horrible I look, I'm parking and getting out of the car to take her in, just until I feel comfortable enough to know that she knows were she is going. So here we are embarking on her biggest adventure yet. I'll keep you posted.....