I cried today. A man that had to clean up best he could, with clean clothes on, was standing near my bank. I went in and withdrew $20 and saw him. His sign said Wife, kid. Lost job, need money, no bum. I pulled up to him and made eye contact (which everyone knows is the go ahead to approach me) I gave him $10 I don't have to give, isn't that always the case, and he said his name was Steve. He had a pink piece of paper in his hand and said I received an eviction notice and I have until Tuesday to come up with the money. You can see the notice if you want. Apparently, he wanted to make me feel better about giving my money away. His eyes were just so hopeful, clear, and humble. I, of course, told him there was no need for me to read the paper and I wished him the best of luck. As he turned away, I rolled up my window. Not to distance myself from him, but so that no one would hear my sobbing.
Due to depression and lack of motivation I lost my 2 jobs in the last 2 months. I'm hanging by an invisible thread that is constantly bombarded by family obligations, lack of money, constant creditor calls, failure to assimilate to a cookie cutter life, and my dwindling sense of self. It really hit home that in one second, I could be in his place and I don't know how to prevent it.
I am physically able to go get another job, but due to circumstances that I am not sure I want to divulge on the world wide web, I am legally not able to. My husband's last day in the military is July 31st due to budget cut backs. We have no idea what will become of us after that date. No guarnteed paycheck, no benefits, and a precious 6 year old to keep safe and healthy.
I can't help but wonder if I'm just fooling myself into thinking everything will be okay.
May 09, 2011
February 14, 2011
Beginning of the week
So I am yet again at a Monday. It seems to be a recurring issue in my life. What it is about this day? Beginning of a new week and I already have a sense of doom. There are too many things that need to be done this week and the to do list just seems to get longer. I know that God does not give me more than I can handle, sometimes it just feels as if I am pushing the envelope. Am I the only one in this boat?
August 06, 2010
Something I can now share....
I feel I can share this now...almost 9 months later. I came across a journal entry (yes, I keep a random journal) and I felt it would be appropriate to blog. Not because I want to blog, but I feel it could help others. Well, here it goes....
1/22/10
In light of our most recent fight, I write down these thoughts....
Have we forgotten to bring God into our relationship? In a sense, banished him in this area, so he has given up on us or is it the devil making himself known?
What frustrates me is I know that Elias, Joslyn, and I could be three of his greatest warriors here on earth. I feel like the devil works on Elias constantly so he can't be. I don't feel like all of our problems are caused by Elias, I don't. I do feel however, disappointed that Elias allows the devil to prey on him so easily. Maybe that's why "respect" is so hard for me, because I know Elias is better than that. He is so strong. If he put an ounce of what he puts into work towards God, it would be GREAT!
Both of us are prideful, it's human nature. For the last 7 months I feel, I've really tried to put all I can towards God and fulfilling his purpose for me. I've quit and done things halfway most of my life. God and my relationship with Him will not be that way. I don't know how to continue on without Elias, he's my rock. The one I count on to protect and care for me. Is he jealous that I seem to lean on God more know? Why would someone be jealous of God?
Back to pride, I don't feel Elias has bowed to Him fully and that's why he has such a hard time. I get angry about it. I do. When I bring it up, Elias just gets mad.
I asked Elias to pray for us tonight before dinner. He said I could pray for myself. When I, again, pointed out that the man is supposed to be the spiritual leader, he mumbled, "maybe I don't want to be."
What do I do about that? I know to give it over to God. I know that. How long do I have to wait?! I know God's will will be done, but as the human I am, He must understand it is sooo frustrating.
As I look back on this entry, I realize how far Elias and I, along with Joslyn, have come. Not only as a family, but as friends. It's easier for me to speak to Elias about God, he still doesn't frequent church, but there is hope. Joslyn and I both attended Bible school this summer. She as a student, me as a teacher. It was great. My leaning on God has not lessened but Elias has come to terms, I don't feel as hopeless in my relationship with Elias anymore. It's something that takes time. I believe that by the time January of 2011 rolls back around, that more will have changed. I'm counting on it.
1/22/10
In light of our most recent fight, I write down these thoughts....
Have we forgotten to bring God into our relationship? In a sense, banished him in this area, so he has given up on us or is it the devil making himself known?
What frustrates me is I know that Elias, Joslyn, and I could be three of his greatest warriors here on earth. I feel like the devil works on Elias constantly so he can't be. I don't feel like all of our problems are caused by Elias, I don't. I do feel however, disappointed that Elias allows the devil to prey on him so easily. Maybe that's why "respect" is so hard for me, because I know Elias is better than that. He is so strong. If he put an ounce of what he puts into work towards God, it would be GREAT!
Both of us are prideful, it's human nature. For the last 7 months I feel, I've really tried to put all I can towards God and fulfilling his purpose for me. I've quit and done things halfway most of my life. God and my relationship with Him will not be that way. I don't know how to continue on without Elias, he's my rock. The one I count on to protect and care for me. Is he jealous that I seem to lean on God more know? Why would someone be jealous of God?
Back to pride, I don't feel Elias has bowed to Him fully and that's why he has such a hard time. I get angry about it. I do. When I bring it up, Elias just gets mad.
I asked Elias to pray for us tonight before dinner. He said I could pray for myself. When I, again, pointed out that the man is supposed to be the spiritual leader, he mumbled, "maybe I don't want to be."
What do I do about that? I know to give it over to God. I know that. How long do I have to wait?! I know God's will will be done, but as the human I am, He must understand it is sooo frustrating.
As I look back on this entry, I realize how far Elias and I, along with Joslyn, have come. Not only as a family, but as friends. It's easier for me to speak to Elias about God, he still doesn't frequent church, but there is hope. Joslyn and I both attended Bible school this summer. She as a student, me as a teacher. It was great. My leaning on God has not lessened but Elias has come to terms, I don't feel as hopeless in my relationship with Elias anymore. It's something that takes time. I believe that by the time January of 2011 rolls back around, that more will have changed. I'm counting on it.
August 03, 2010
So my baby girl's first day of kindergarten was yesterday...how time flies. I've not blogged in months, because I was enjoying life and the summer:) What am I to do now?
I figure I'll try to go back to the gym since I work night shift. Sitting at a desk and eating isn't really productive weight loss technique. (Duh) That's #1 and #2 clean more, I suppose.
So we dropped Joslyn off at school yesterday, the only tears came from her. She did not want to go. The worries came from daddy. I guess I've been preparing myself for this, so I wasn't really emotional. I knew this day would come. But this morning I was not prepared for. I dropped her off in the line and the teacher took her out of the car. Then proceeded to put the backpack on her and pointed her in the direction of the school! I was appalled and scared for my little girl as she looked around and started walking. My precious little blonde baby, with her oversized backpack, look as lost as a lamb in a wolf den. She started walking towards the doors and with all her strength tried to open one. It was the wrong door, so she walked toward the other double doors. Finally someone helped her and she went in. All I could do was pray that she got to the right class. This is definitely not happening tomorrow. I don't care how horrible I look, I'm parking and getting out of the car to take her in, just until I feel comfortable enough to know that she knows were she is going. So here we are embarking on her biggest adventure yet. I'll keep you posted.....
March 10, 2010
I can't believe...
So my husband and I went to Savannah last week, it was fabulous. I'll blog about it later. The thing is since I've been home, nothing has gotten done!! Appointments, my daughter's schoolwork, the apartment, showers...its all been just one big plop in the mud. I finally at 3p today, took a shower, for one and then made myself some coffee.
Starbucks is off the menu for right now until I find a job!! So I got Folgers singles this past week at the store, not baaaadd. Elias hates the smell of coffee and so I couldn't get a $10 coffee maker because he swore he'd puke! Can you believe that?
Anyways, I felt disconnected from everything even though I've been tweeting my little heart out, so I thought I'd post something real quick.
FYI- If you all are interested, my church, Vinings Lake, is doing the 31 day Proverb challenge. Check it out at http://www.31daychallenge.org/
Til Next time....
Starbucks is off the menu for right now until I find a job!! So I got Folgers singles this past week at the store, not baaaadd. Elias hates the smell of coffee and so I couldn't get a $10 coffee maker because he swore he'd puke! Can you believe that?
Anyways, I felt disconnected from everything even though I've been tweeting my little heart out, so I thought I'd post something real quick.
FYI- If you all are interested, my church, Vinings Lake, is doing the 31 day Proverb challenge. Check it out at http://www.31daychallenge.org/
Til Next time....
February 08, 2010
Be Still....
and know I am God.
As I lay in bed last night, thinking of what I needed to do this week, I realized I had not spent more than 5 minutes thinking about God in the past week. I was so wrapped up in feeling sorry for myself for oversleeping, leaving clean laundry (or Mount Clean Laundry, as I call it ) on the floor, seperated but not put up, lack of parenting skills, and the utter lack of intimacy in my marriage that I had not given any of my problems over to God. No wonder I was so stressed! The first thing that came to my mind was be still and know I am God. Anxiety, depression, and laziness had me doubting my position in God's story! I can believe it but it was honestly a surprise.
I'm not perfect, far from it. Those people out there that know me, know I proudly wear that badge. There's no point in trying to be perfect and it's no fun! I do however, hold myself to a higher standard than those around me. This past week has felt like I let everything go like dry sand running through your hands on a windy day. Does anyone else feel like this?
This past week has been hard for me specifically because I felt like I let myself down. My apartment is ALWAYS clean, people comment on it frequently! I am known as the anal one. Being too embarrassed to invite people over because of the state of the apartment is horrific to me, which in turn makes me depressed, and therefore lazy. Don't ask me why, I don't know!
I'll do a quick rundown of my Sunday for you. I committed myself to working hospitality in my church (Vinings Lake) for 1st svc and working in Creation Land (children "bible-study") for the 2nd service, as well as watching a child for a favor. None of that worked out. I stayed up until 4 or 5 cooking muffins for the church and talking to my friend, Julie, about a new endeavor we're embarking upon. I went to bed and set the alarm for 7a.m. Woke up @ 10:30....totally missed 2 committments right there, tried to call/txt coordinators, phone wasn't working! The child I was supposed to watch, found out when I didn't answer the phone they had to turn around and call into work! So what did I do? Figured out why my phone didn't work, apologized profusely to everyone, and went back to sleep. Yeah, that's right, I went back to sleep! Woke up in time for the Super Bowl, which I didn't watch by the way. I went to see Avatar 3D with my friend Julie.
So back to my point, I made myself stop thinking of everything needing to be done this week and said my prayer to God that I remember to talk to Him. Also, thanked Him for His wisdom and my place in his world. I'll tell you what! I feel 20x better this a.m. Not only am I getting housework done (waaayy overdue) but cooked a killer chili pie and catching up on email. Hopefully, I can keep up the momentum.
As I lay in bed last night, thinking of what I needed to do this week, I realized I had not spent more than 5 minutes thinking about God in the past week. I was so wrapped up in feeling sorry for myself for oversleeping, leaving clean laundry (or Mount Clean Laundry, as I call it ) on the floor, seperated but not put up, lack of parenting skills, and the utter lack of intimacy in my marriage that I had not given any of my problems over to God. No wonder I was so stressed! The first thing that came to my mind was be still and know I am God. Anxiety, depression, and laziness had me doubting my position in God's story! I can believe it but it was honestly a surprise.
I'm not perfect, far from it. Those people out there that know me, know I proudly wear that badge. There's no point in trying to be perfect and it's no fun! I do however, hold myself to a higher standard than those around me. This past week has felt like I let everything go like dry sand running through your hands on a windy day. Does anyone else feel like this?
This past week has been hard for me specifically because I felt like I let myself down. My apartment is ALWAYS clean, people comment on it frequently! I am known as the anal one. Being too embarrassed to invite people over because of the state of the apartment is horrific to me, which in turn makes me depressed, and therefore lazy. Don't ask me why, I don't know!
I'll do a quick rundown of my Sunday for you. I committed myself to working hospitality in my church (Vinings Lake) for 1st svc and working in Creation Land (children "bible-study") for the 2nd service, as well as watching a child for a favor. None of that worked out. I stayed up until 4 or 5 cooking muffins for the church and talking to my friend, Julie, about a new endeavor we're embarking upon. I went to bed and set the alarm for 7a.m. Woke up @ 10:30....totally missed 2 committments right there, tried to call/txt coordinators, phone wasn't working! The child I was supposed to watch, found out when I didn't answer the phone they had to turn around and call into work! So what did I do? Figured out why my phone didn't work, apologized profusely to everyone, and went back to sleep. Yeah, that's right, I went back to sleep! Woke up in time for the Super Bowl, which I didn't watch by the way. I went to see Avatar 3D with my friend Julie.
So back to my point, I made myself stop thinking of everything needing to be done this week and said my prayer to God that I remember to talk to Him. Also, thanked Him for His wisdom and my place in his world. I'll tell you what! I feel 20x better this a.m. Not only am I getting housework done (waaayy overdue) but cooked a killer chili pie and catching up on email. Hopefully, I can keep up the momentum.
February 02, 2010
Life got in the way!!
Wow, I thought I would be posting before this! It's been crazy these past few weeks!
Let me run it down for you. First, my daughter jumped off her dresser to her bed and gave herself a black eye. Update-she's still jumping on the bed. She'll also start speech therapy Thursday! I'm very excited b/c she now has the tubes and has been doing very well. More talking, better listening, and just a better overall disposition. I'll keep you posted. I can't wait for my 4 year old to start talking like a 4 year old.
My husband picked up a new program at work and is working extra hard on that.
I finally got some house work done. Finding all the necessary paperwork for taxes, getting set for all the doctor's appointments in the next few months. Laundry mountain is getting smaller. It's more like a hill now really. I'm trying to figure out what to do about kindergarten. I have 3 options. 1. The public school down the road :( not impressed with the county 2. Public charter, still close to the apt or 3. Private Christian school, out of the way, definitely but come on! a school w/ values. Only option 1 has bus service, but that's way down on my must have list. I'll be going to open house on the 4th for the charter school, so I'll get a better idea.
I have noticed an increase in sleep, either I'm depressed or not getting quality sleep at night. I'm always tired! It's not helping with my friends or family. I feel like I'm slacking on my relationships because I'm so tired. I do my duty as a mother and wife, but that's about it. I've decided to stop this quick, cause I can't just lie around, so here's the let's get better list:
1. Detox
2. Quit smoking
3. Gym
4. Sugar free
5. Caffeine free
6. Hobby
I think that's a good list, right? I'll keep you updated.
Let me run it down for you. First, my daughter jumped off her dresser to her bed and gave herself a black eye. Update-she's still jumping on the bed. She'll also start speech therapy Thursday! I'm very excited b/c she now has the tubes and has been doing very well. More talking, better listening, and just a better overall disposition. I'll keep you posted. I can't wait for my 4 year old to start talking like a 4 year old.
My husband picked up a new program at work and is working extra hard on that.
I finally got some house work done. Finding all the necessary paperwork for taxes, getting set for all the doctor's appointments in the next few months. Laundry mountain is getting smaller. It's more like a hill now really. I'm trying to figure out what to do about kindergarten. I have 3 options. 1. The public school down the road :( not impressed with the county 2. Public charter, still close to the apt or 3. Private Christian school, out of the way, definitely but come on! a school w/ values. Only option 1 has bus service, but that's way down on my must have list. I'll be going to open house on the 4th for the charter school, so I'll get a better idea.
I have noticed an increase in sleep, either I'm depressed or not getting quality sleep at night. I'm always tired! It's not helping with my friends or family. I feel like I'm slacking on my relationships because I'm so tired. I do my duty as a mother and wife, but that's about it. I've decided to stop this quick, cause I can't just lie around, so here's the let's get better list:
1. Detox
2. Quit smoking
3. Gym
4. Sugar free
5. Caffeine free
6. Hobby
I think that's a good list, right? I'll keep you updated.
January 15, 2010
Just to start something
Because its late, I'm just going to write a short intro. I'll run you through the rest later.
As of right now I'm reading Parenting by the Book by John Rosemond. He's no nonsense and he's making me feel guilty about the way I'm raising my daughter. Insightful and direct about what God expects out of parents with scripture to back up his claims. I thought I was making it easier for Joslyn (my 4 year old) as she is growing up. Now I realize, I was just making it easier for myself. If you are having second thoughts about something or if you can't "control" your child's behavior, or if your expecting I would highly recommend this book.
I enforce no "real" discipline, no chores, and sometimes forget or bypass my authority. Where does that leave my child later when she needs to learn responsibility, etc.? I'm not even through half the book and I feel better about myself and more competent about my parenting skills.
As I said, I'll run you through some of my parenting difficulties later and how I've turned it over to God to guide me in the right direction. When it leaves your hands and you give it to God, he certainly delivers.
Until next time, God Bless.
Mary S.
As of right now I'm reading Parenting by the Book by John Rosemond. He's no nonsense and he's making me feel guilty about the way I'm raising my daughter. Insightful and direct about what God expects out of parents with scripture to back up his claims. I thought I was making it easier for Joslyn (my 4 year old) as she is growing up. Now I realize, I was just making it easier for myself. If you are having second thoughts about something or if you can't "control" your child's behavior, or if your expecting I would highly recommend this book.
I enforce no "real" discipline, no chores, and sometimes forget or bypass my authority. Where does that leave my child later when she needs to learn responsibility, etc.? I'm not even through half the book and I feel better about myself and more competent about my parenting skills.
As I said, I'll run you through some of my parenting difficulties later and how I've turned it over to God to guide me in the right direction. When it leaves your hands and you give it to God, he certainly delivers.
Until next time, God Bless.
Mary S.
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